It’s important to get some thoughtful analysis of what most people believe is a complex problem: how is the United States—and for that matter, the world—going to deal with the ISIS forces now cutting a bloody swath through Iraq and Syria? Recently we’ve learned that British, European, and even American Muslims have gone over to join the fight on the side of ISIS, provoking even more outrage in the host countries. It’s quite a conundrum.
So, speaking of thoughtful analysis, let’s hear from Greg Gutfeld of Fox News’ “The Five”. Yesterday Mr. Gutfeld sat around with his on-set chums and shared his deep thoughts1:
“As the president cleans the dirt off his cleats, we find that one in six French supports ISIS, making them more popular than barrettes.”
Ha! “Cleats” refers to President Obama’s being on vacation and playing golf. Members of Congress are also on vacation; I don’t know what they’re cleaning dirt out of, I just know that no one on Fox News ever mentions them.
“Thankfully, Boris Johnson, the London mayor has a plan to fight his homegrown Jihadists. Change the law, so that Brits going to terror zones be called terrorists. Strip them of citizenship, too.”
Those steps won’t exactly “fight” the Jihadists, but they will certainly annoy and inconvenience them, making it harder for them to return home should they so choose. And no one likes to be called a terrorist.
“So why is he freaking out? Because smart people should freak out.”
This goes to show that all the smart people are on Fox, where everyone has been freaking out for the past five and a half years.
“Up to 3,000 ISIS fighters could be Brits -- meaning they have passports and can come back.”
No, you just said that Boris Johnson is going to revoke their citizenship.
“So why this new boomerang terrorism?”
What “boomerang terrorism”? The "Jihadists" are over there. They haven't boomeranged.
Anyway, Gutfeld can explain it all, just like this:
“Easy, Western leaders cowered before Muslim extremism fearing the accusation of intolerance, even as real deadly hate was preached on the streets. Add online recruiting, which speeds radicalization and those returning already attacking Europe, it's bad. Obama should get his head out of his golf bag or get out of town.”
Ha-ha, another golf joke! So sure, Mr. Gutfeld has explained it all to his own satisfaction, but his explanation is woefully lacking in specifics2 (unless "it's bad" counts as a specific on Fox News). Moreover, the charge of “cowering” is hard to square with the fact that President Obama has kept up a steady campaign of drone bombing in the Middle East for years now, and that he has recently authorized the bombing of ISIS locations. Heck, he’s even killed at least one American citizen over there, with no say-so from anyone but his own bad self (which makes Greg Gutfeld mad, but some other time).
“Meanwhile, The Washington Post says global warming is the defining issue of our time. Not terror but warming. It's like being on fire and worrying about your weight.”
No, it’s like watching TV and seeing that there’s a fire halfway around the world and immediately calling your local fire department to come and protect your house.
“It's time to dispense with political correctness and get over being nice. Nice equals death. Especially for us as more extremists with passports can come here without a visa. We must follow Boris. He may have crazy hair but underneath it, is a mind that knows the holy war has begun and finishing it requires ending the politeness.”
I have no idea what any of that means. “Nice equals death”? Put that on a bumper sticker, it’s bound to sell. Fear has a way of making it difficult to think straight or to talk straight, and Greg Gutfeld sounds like a very, very frightened man.
“And if our president isn't up to it, then find someone who is. Maybe it's better if he stays on the course, for good.”
I thought that last point went without saying—why would Greg Gutfeld or anyone else on Fox News ever want Mr. Obama to stop golfing and start governing?
In any case, the visibly quaking Gutfeld turns to the faux lawyer on the Fox set, Kimberly Guilfoyle, asking her about “Boris Johnson calling and saying, it's criminal activity when it's not really. Can we actually do this without so-called violating their civil liberties?”
To which the equally agitated Ms. Guilfoyle replied:
“Guess what, I don't care. And in fact, I hope we violate a lot of their civil liberties. This is war, this is terror. There should be no mercy involved because they have shown none.”
It’s always good to let the enemy set the rules of engagement.
“But they have language that they understand, and in terms of making like, decisive action, look, I hope the president has enough people around him to push him in the right direction. I really think there's just really one right answer here.”
“Language that they understand”? I think she means “kill them” which is at least the start of a plan. But Ms. Guilfoyle says that that there’s “just really one right answer here”: so what is it?
“We can talk about the ways to get it done. Air strikes, certainly, but it's going to take more than that. We've already got troops on the ground. We already need help from our U.K. and European allies and counterparts.”
No, really—what is the “just really one right answer here,” other than “kill them”? Kill them more? Kill them again? Kill them from the air and kill them on the ground? Kill them with a little help from our friends (a Coalition of the Killing, if you will)?
“I mean, can I just make a special request in the magic lamp?”
Uh-oh—now there’s a magic lamp involved. No one will ever accuse Kimberly Guilfoyle of being a “foreign policy realist”.
“Can we get like Netanyahu and like Putin in for 48 hours, you know, head of the United States? I don't know. I just want somebody to get in here and get it done right, so that Americans don't have to worry and wakeup in the morning fearful of a group that's murderous and horrific like ISIS.” 3
Are Americans actually worrying and waking up in the morning fearful of ISIS? They are if they watch Fox News. And to be honest, if they watch Fox News, they deserve all the worry and fear they’re going to get—gluttons for punishment that they obviously are.
2 I think it’s fair to say that Mr. Gutfeld is lacking in much else as well.
3 Yeah, just like Israelis don't have to wake up and worry about rocket attacks or suicide bombers or terrorist kidnappings. Alas, we probably can’t get like Netanyahu in for 48 hours, you know, head of the United States, because he’s busy battling against Hamas, another group that I bet is murderous and horrific like ISIS and that has kept like Netanyahu and Israel occupied (so to speak) for the past three decades or whatever. As for like Putin: it's hard to say whether terror attacks have increased on his watch or whether he's had his secret police stage terror attacks as a pretext for cracking down on dissent. In any case, I'm not sure even he could get rid of either ISIS or Gutfeld's and Guilfoyle's existential fears in 48 hours. Hey, if Kimberly Guilfoyle has like a magic lamp, why doesn't she just use it to get rid of ISIS herself?