Lamest Scandal Ever

As “Skeetgate” continues to unravel, the critical question is: what did the President shoot, and when did he shoot it? 

President Obama recently sat for an interview with reporters from The New Republic. Asked if he had ever fired a gun, the President lied replied, “Sure.  In fact, up at Camp David, we do skeet shooting all the time.  Not the girls, but oftentimes guests of mine go up there.”  That apparently innocuous statement quickly provoked a firestorm¹: how dare the man who notoriously mocked people for bitterly clinging to their guns and religion suggest that he’s ever even touched a gun in his life!

Right-wing bloggers jumped all over the President’s comment.  Some of them pointed out that the phrasing “we do skeet shooting all the time” betrays the President’s unfamiliarity with the sport; a real skeet shooter would say “We shoot skeet all the time”.  Others objected to the condescending reference to “the girls”—does the President not believe that girls have a right, or the capacity, to bear arms?  It can’t be their age that prohibits them from participating—real American kids learn to shoot right around the time they learn to walk and talk.  And what’s this “guests of mine go up there”—does the President even accompany them to the skeet shooting range, or does he wander off to the golf course? And who says "oftentimes"?

Reporters, sensing a scandal, pounced.  Official White House spokesmuppet Jay Carney was asked last week if there were photos of the President shooting skeet; he didn’t know.  He was asked why no mention had previously been made of this activity; he didn’t know.  Then yesterday the White House miraculously and magnanimously provided an obviously doctored  faked photoshopped  apparently authentic photo (from last August) of the President mis-holding and misaiming a shotgun.  Real men and women across the nation snickered and guffawed at the sight.  Sides were split, floors were rolled around on.  The right-wing blogosphere agreed: President Obama couldn’t shoot fish in a barrel; in fact, the only thing he’s capable of shooting is his mouth off.

Grant us patience, O Lord; these are difficult times.  Couldn’t President Obama have the decency at least to provide us with a more entertaining (if not more substantive) scandal?  Couldn’t he pick his dog ² up by its ears or strap it to the roof of his car?  Couldn’t he boff a famous Hollywood actress, or allow himself to be seduced by a zaftig thong-snapping intern?  And if the scandal du jour is going to involve guns, couldn’t the President have released a photo of himself in full-on, armed-to-the-teeth Black Panther regalia?  Even better, couldn’t he have taken a buddy—John Boehner, say, or Mitch McConnell—duck hunting and then shot them in the face?³

Really, America, has it come to this: even our scandals are in decline?  

_______________________________________________________________

¹ At this point, every reporter’s and blogger's keyboard should have a key that automatically produces the sentence “President Obama’s remarks provoked a firestorm.”  The man can’t get out of bed without inflaming half the country.

² Named, I believe, “Benghazi”…

³ "Harmlessly," I hasten to add--"shot them in the face harmlessly".  I can't wait to hear from people accusing me of wanting to shoot Republicans in the face; which would give me the chance to reply, "Well, there's no point shooting them in the foot--they're already doing that to themselves!"

 

Comments

[Jack Shifflett]

Mr. Kincaid: you are confusing my "thong" reference with...oh, never mind. I'll leave it to other readers (assuming I have any) to puzzle over your "brake pedal" reference. By the way, nice photo...

[Mike Kincaid]

Spoken like a true Montanan but a scandal involving a thong-snapping intern? Well, likely not, at least in the limo known as the beast. Safety conscious Obama is aware of the dangers of thongs getting tangled with the brake pedal.