You Say You Want a Modest Proposal for Election Reform?

I received this submission today from the Department of Modest Proposals:

What this country needs, in addition to a good five-cent cigar, is a Presidential Election Oversight Commission (PEOC). ¹ This non-partisan commission would be established by Congress. Its duties and responsibilities could include the following, along with any others Congress sees fit to authorize:

• Working with the fifty states on issues ranging from ballot design to election security measures (electronic and otherwise). Ballots for presidential contests would be standardized, provided to the states by the Commission, and processed separately from ballots for state and local races, initiatives, referenda, etc. The national presidential ballot should be a "stand alone" document not including any other electoral contests or issues.
• Standardizing voter eligibility requirements, mail-in voting rules, “early voting” periods, rules governing voter registration, "voter ID," “ballot harvesting," late-arriving ballots, post-mortem balloting, etc.
• Certifying the eligibility of all presidential candidates—i.e. documenting candidates’ age, citizenship status, preferred pronouns, and compliance with all established rules for candidacy.
• Arranging for all presidential candidates to undergo a standard background/security check identical to what is required of federal employees with access to national security information. No individual who fails or refuses such a background check will be allowed on the ballot.
• Arranging for candidates to undergo thorough physical, psychological, and cognitive evaluation, the results of which shall be disclosed to the public by the PEOC as warranted.
• Requiring candidates to publicly disclose their federal tax returns for a stated period (five years, perhaps, or even ten). Candidates who refuse to provide tax returns (or related financial information) will not be allowed on the ballot.
• Assessing and approving all campaign ads and granting "The PEOC Seal of Approval" as warranted.
• Scheduling and overseeing presidential debates, including selection of debate moderators and formats.
• Scheduling and overseeing “town hall”-type meetings in which candidates answer questions from voters.
• Scheduling and overseeing “Alex Trebek Presidential Election Jeopardy” contests in which candidates compete in answering questions about a variety of relevant categories (e.g. "The Constitution," "American History," "Commodity Prices," "Public Health Measures," "Ramps, Stairs, and Umbrellas," etc.
• Requiring candidates to sign a pledge that they will abide by PEOC rules and by federal and state election laws; and that they will accept the officially declared results of the election (retaining the right to recounts and challenges as allowed/required by state and/or federal law). Candidates must also pledge to respect the integrity of the electoral process and of the Commission and not to engage in public denigration of either.
• Overseeing and supervising any voting challenges or recounts as allowed by law. Candidates shall keep the PEOC apprised of such challenges and of all election-related legal issues.
• Receiving and verifying voting totals from each state (on and after Election Day) and announcing results only when they are determined. PEOC will not provide partial voting tallies to the campaigns, to the media, or to the public, all of whom shall be enjoined in the interim to wait patiently in silence.
• The commission’s grant of authority will be established by Congress. Nothing in that grant will be contrary to the Constitution or to any state constitutions. Nothing in the Commission’s authority shall be construed as replacing or overriding the electoral authority of state or federal courts or legislatures. Neither Dinesh d' Souza nor Karl Rove shall be allowed to serve on the PEOC, to provide the PEOC with advice, or to concern themselves with PEOC business.

Separately, Congress shall establish “Presidential Election Day” as a national holiday.

You're welcome, America.

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¹ An astute reader immediately objects: Wait just a second. We already have a Federal Election Commission, do we not? Yes, we do, Mr. or Ms. Smarty-Pants, but the FEC is charged with enforcing campaign finance laws, monitoring and reporting campaign contributions and spending, and keeping an eye on Dinesh d’ Souza. It has neither the time nor the authority to do the many things I am saying need to be done. By the way, our current FEC consists of three members and three vacancies. Also, did you know that you cannot spell “feckless” without FEC?