{Pascal the existential Russian blue cat all but begged me to assign him the task of commenting on the latest demagogic rant from ex-President Dunning-Kruger. I agreed, but I can see now I should first have asked Pascal exactly what he planned to say.}
At CPAC 2023, perpetually cranky former Toddler-in-Chief Donald Trump spoke these words:
I said it many times that we would never be a socialist country, I shouted it out loud and I was right, because that train has passed the station, long ago, of socialism; it never came close to stopping, frankly. We’re now in a Marxism state of mind, a communism state of mind, which is far worse. We’re a nation in decline; our enemies are desperate to stop us because they know that we are the only ones that can stop them. They know that.
We had a Republican party that was ruled by freaks, neocons, globalists, open border zealots, and fools, but we are never going back to the party of Paul Ryan, Karl Rove, and Jeb Bush. We have no choice. If we don’t do this, our country will be lost forever. People are tired of RINOs and globalists; they want to see ‘America First,’ that’s what they want, it’s not too complicated.
We’re not a free nation right now. We don’t have free press; we don’t have free anything. In 2016, I declared, ‘I am your voice.’ Today I would add, I am your warrior. I am your justice, and for those who have been wronged and betrayed: I am your retribution, I am your retribution—not gonna let this happen, not gonna let it happen. I will totally obliterate the Deep State, I will fire…[applause stops him mid-sentence]
If only he had added, “I am become Shiva, destroyer of worlds!” this would have been a speech for the ages; as it stands, it’s a speech for ages approximately 5—8.
Surprisingly, a fitting response to President Person, Woman, Man, Camera, TV can be found in the scriptures (the Book of Job) with only a slight revision. Rather than “Job laments that he was ever born,” it is now “America laments that Donald Trump was ever born”:
Let the day perish on which he was born,
and the night that said, ‘A man-child is conceived.’ 1
Let that day become darkness;
may God not seek it from above,
nor may daylight shine on it.
Let darkness and deep shadow claim it;
let clouds settle on it;
let them terrify it with the blackness of day.
Let darkness seize that night;
let it not rejoice among the days of the year;
let it not enter among the number of the months.
Look, let that night become barren;
let no joyful song enter into it.
Let the stars of its dawn be dark;
let it hope for light but let there be none,
and let it not see the eyelids of dawn
because it did not shut the doors of his mother’s womb.
Why did he not die at birth? 2
Why did he not come forth from the womb and expire?
Why were there knees to receive him
and breasts that he could suck?
For now he should lie down, and we would be at peace;
He would be asleep; and we would be at rest.
Or why was he not hidden like a miscarriage,
like infants who did not see the light?
I am but a mere cat 3, but even I shudder to imagine how long it will take America to live down the ignominy of having elected such a buffoonish, petulant man to the highest office in the country—not to mention the further ignominy of having to explain how 75 million Americans voted to give him a second term in office. To avert further national disgrace, I propose that the Environmental Protection Agency declare former President Dunce Cap a pollutant and a public health hazard, and quarantine him immediately.
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1 “Man-child” could also be translated as “big baby” or “overgrown infant”.
2 Seriously—why? Why did the heavens not darken? Why did the angels not cry themselves a river? Why did the earth itself not swallow him up? Why did Satan’s triumphant laughter fail to awaken God from His long sleep and alert him to the fact that something had gone terribly wrong! Why did the patented “Antichrist Early Warning” system fail to function?
3 Not really; I am, as has been clearly and frequently stated, an existential Russian blue cat. Besides which, meerkats aren’t even cats; they are mongooses, which I am not.
CPAC 2023
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